Boundaries and assertiveness

Assertiveness is a communication skill important to human relationships in which the individual can express personal needs and set boundaries in an appropriate manner.

We would also say that it is a misunderstood concept as many confuse it with aggression. In fact, being assertive means finding the right balance between passivity (not assertive enough) and aggression (angry or hostile behavior).

A passive person has difficulty setting limits to those around him and claiming things, often at his own expense. He cannot stand up for his rights and feels anxious and guilty whenever he has to ask for something. To avoid the possibility of conflict or rejection, he suppresses his feelings and does not openly express his thoughts.

“I never talk about what bothers me and I keep it to myself. I am quite insecure and believe that if I open up to others they might judge me or argue with me and I will lose them. However, I am quite stressed by this situation. I would like to start being less afraid and talking more.”
D., 19 years old

An aggressive person, on the other hand, demands that those around him satisfy his needs without particularly caring about theirs. His manner can be intense or insulting. He wants to impose his views, without respecting the rights and feelings of others.

Through assertiveness, the person manages to openly and clearly communicate their needs and desires, but without imposing them. He respects the rights of others and at the same time defends his own. He makes decisions about his life, makes choices, stands up for himself and has no problem asking for help whenever he needs it.

“I’ve been having a lot of problems lately with my friends. They tell me that I am abrupt and selfish and that I never think about their point of view. I feel like they are slowly drifting apart. I understand that I often get tense and don’t act cool. I want to work on it.”
B., 20 years old

Another important aspect of assertiveness is setting boundaries. In addition to externalizing ones thoughts and feelings, the individual is also able to protect their personal space and time, say ‘no’ and ‘enough is enough’ when necessary, as well as express any opposing views they may have.

Assertive communication has many benefits. It contributes to the improvement of our relations, as there is mutual understanding, equality and respect within the relationship that becomes more honest. Also, the person learns to express himself more directly and feels self-sufficient and responsible, gains more self-confidence and his sense of self-worth is boosted. Disputes are better resolved and stress and anxiety are reduced.

Suggestions on improving assertive communication:

• Express your needs openly. Others cannot know if you do not speak clearly.
• Disagree or argue without stress.
• Say ‘no’.
• Don’t feel guilty.
• Ask to be treated fairly.
• Claim your rights.
• Make sure that your facial expressions, tone of voice and posture convey determination.
• In disputes with others, focus on a mutually accepted solution.
• Talk in the first singular about how you feel. If we use the second person singular, the person we are speaking to may feel like being attacked.
• Do not shout, react strongly or offend others.
• Say clearly what you believe. Allow time to listen to the other side as well.
• Keep in mind that your rights and needs are equal to the rights and needs of others.

Assertiveness is a skill that can be acquired and cultivated. We could transform our passive or aggressive type of communication into an assertive one. We need to work on our interaction with others, but also on our relationship with ourselves.